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JANUARY 12, 2006 -
Following President Bush’s precedent in declaring breaking the law
legal, saying laws against domestic spying were not something he
felt like following and so he shouldn’t be arrested for the
violations, American citizens everywhere rejoiced and embraced their
newfound freedom.
In Nebraska, some school kids celebrated
by shooting their teachers and classmates. “It’s so nice to know
that, as the President showed, I can simply say I felt a law was
stupid and that gives me a right to violate it,” said shooter Mark
Alison, a tenth-grader who capped his gym teacher, “just because I
could.”
Chicago resident Jim Heney celebrated by
having sex with three different 10-year old girls.
“I find the President’s declaration that
the law is meaningless very liberating,” said Mr. Heney. “I’m
looking forward to urinating in public later this afternoon.”
Travel agent Mindy Cohen of New York
thinks this new ‘forget those stupid things called laws America’
could be great for business.
“I see the tourist trade booming from
this,” said the 38-year old New York native. “All sorts of people
frustrated that they have to obey the law in their countries will
surely flock to America to do those fun things previously
punishable.”
State and local governments were excited
as well, as they counted the billions they will save not having to
operate prisons or court systems.
“It kind of sucks for our economy, since
we’re a prison town,” said Ionia, Michigan resident Chet Smith.
“But the governor says this’ll mean tax cuts, so that’s good I
guess.”
Asked whether he feared the criminals
that will be released from the prison in Ionia and free to anything
they feel like, Mr. Smith said, “Damn. Well... But it means I can
beat my children, right? So that’s a fair trade I think.”
Trapped in his holding cell, Saddam
Hussein is said to be fuming Arabic expletives by the dozen. “I
should be paid a consulting fee if that Bush kid is going to steal
my MO. And what the heck am I locked up for anyway then?”
Russian President Vladimir Putin, now
also President of the G8, tried to repress a smile when asked about
the situation, saying, “I endorsed George W. Bush in the last
election for a reason. And I want to thank the American people for
continuing to back incompetent law-haters who have allowed me to
completely reverse your once-thought Cold War ‘victory’ by
eliminating democracy in Russia seemingly without notice.”
He added, “Since Russia is now the
number two exporter of oil – with prices through the roof; having
just deployed a new generation of missile-shield-proof nuclear
weapons; and sitting atop the most powerful economic entity on the
planet, the G8, it would be nice to get a little recognition from
the world media for the fact we are now back in the lead in the Cold
War. I thought shutting off the gas to the Ukraine – which also cut
some gas to our former holdings in Poland, Hungary and other Soviet
satellites – would wake the world up and get us the credit for being
the new Cold War winners.”
“That’s okay, though,” he added.
“Having America embrace our values of using propaganda media to
support one party, arresting people without levying charges simply
because you call them a threat, permanently detaining and torturing
your people indefinitely without having to site specific legal
violations, spying on your own citizens like our KGB was so famous
for, and, of course, the executive right of leaders to do anything
they feel like, is reward enough.”
British Prime Minister Tony Blair said
he had to consult with Rupert Murdoch, to whom he owes his place in
office, before he would know how he would be allowed/required to
respond to this development. | 
