SEPTEMBER 24, 2003 - In the
cruelest act yet of his administration, President George W. Bush gave
a speech to the UN yesterday that was so absurd in and of itself, it
left no possibility of being satirized.
"As I was listening," said The Moderate Independent staff writer
Samuel A. Stanson, "I kept thinking, 'Ah, that's a good line to throw
back at him - no wait, that one is.' But in the end, it turned
out that the whole damned speech was just a big satire in and of
Betsy R. Vasquez, who covers the media and elections for M/I,
"'The President Mocks His Own Stupidity By Pretending Not To Notice
His Iraq Policy Sucked,' I thought to write at first," said Vasquez.
"Then I considered, 'Flux Capacitor Accidentally Placed In
Presidential Limo, Causing Him To Give Speech From Six Months Ago.'
But really, it was just too accurate to be funny."
The fiery M/I 'two eyes for an eye' correspondent, John S. Ashton,
said, "The only useful reply Chirac could have given was to kick the
President in the balls. But pointing out stuff like that doesn't
make for good journalism, and as lenient as (Thomas J.) Bico
(editor-in-chief of M/I) is, I think he might have given that one the
Ben Terton pondered, "It was like looking in a fish tank and seeing
pigeon - the other UN members were the fish staring at this big
ridiculous thing with feathers that was trying to coo underwater and
wondering what the hell it was all about. I would have written a
satirical story titled, 'Dysfunctional, Delusional Homeless Man Tricks
UN Into Thinking He Is The President, Gives Speech In Bush's Name,'
but it - like all the other ideas - was just too accurate.
"When I was in fourth grade," said M/I's owner, "there was a child
who, from out of the blue, stood up in the middle of class and threw a
desk across the room. The way we looked at him was the way the
UN - and the world, minus Tom DeLay - looked at President Bush today
as he gave his self-satirizing speech. I was furious. We -
over the course of just five and a half months - have built an
audience of tens of thousands of readers who come here to hear us put
the President's idiocy - and the world in general - into the properly
comical, satirical light. But if the President keeps
self-satirizing so drastically, we won't have anything to write about
and will have stoop to talking about celebrities. Can you
imagine opening The Moderate Independent and reading about Ben Affleck
wanting someone to pinch his ass or Kelly Clarkson having Tourette's?"
He quickly added, "By the way, J-Lo has joined our staff and will be
doing political analysis for us tomorrow."
Due to this frustration, M/I's owner filed suit today, using the
Patriot Act to go after the President as an "enemy combatant" who is
attempting to interfere with the important, America-saving work that
The Moderate Independent is doing in the nation's defense.
As editor-in-chief of this periodical, I would like to take this
opportunity to say we are gravely troubled by the President's actions.
Thousands of readers have come to depend on us as the number one
source of political satire in America. Unfortunately, we have
been outdone. Like movies have turned to computer animation to
eliminate the need for actors whenever possible, the President has
decided to openly, publicly mock himself, attempting to eliminate the
need for satirists like the fine staff I am so proud to preside over.
We at The Moderate Independent promise that even if the President
continues to be so ridiculous that it remains impossible to mock him
more than he does himself, we will find something else to fill your
time with - like making crude jokes about Madonna accidentally
tongue-kissing an actual lesbian, and running away in disgust to buy a
gallon of Listerine.
No, we would never stoop to that. We're sure politics will
return to a reasonable level of dignity, allowing us to resume our
witty satirizing of it in the near future. For example, in
California today there is the first debate that Arnold Schwarzenegger
will actually participate in.
Oh crap. We're in deep trouble.