November 7, 2003 – I knew they
were cruel, but not this mean.
Here we have a nice satire paper going,
and time after time they keep presenting us with realities so absurd
the only way to satirize them would be to make a sane version of
In case you somehow missed the story,
Arnold Gov-Groper-To-Be just decided that he will hire a private
investigator to look into what he himself did.
Jesus f'ing Christ.
OK, so here's the mock headline we can
come up with: Schwarzenegger Decides To Come Clean About How
He Abused Numerous Women. Or maybe: Schwarzenegger Will
Answer Questions About His Groping Past.
Right, those should be the real
headlines, and we should be making fun of them by saying, "Arnold
Hires Investigator To Find Out What "That Evil Schwarzenegger Guy"
Did To Those Women." But folks, this is what really just was
announced last night.
Wait, there's a punch line. In
case you don't remember, on September 6th, Arnold claimed in the San
Francisco Chronicle that he had never groped any women. He
told the media to, "Go talk to the women I have worked with."
Yet, oddly enough, when they did and were subsequently told that he
had been sexually assaulting scum, he lashed out at this press he
had asked to investigate himself for himself. In fact, he had
the whole right-wing media machine assault and attempt to destroy
the paper that dared to report the simple facts.
Well, with that example in mind, I'm
sure the investigator will really believe he is being asked to
report back fully and honestly. No, really, I'm sure he will.
The only really bad part for the
investigator is that he won't get to charge for much mileage
expense, since the whole investigation will simply involve, "You
want me to find out what Mr. Schwarzenegger did with those women?
Ok, Mr. Schwarzenegger, what did you do with those women?"
Oh wait, that would only be what would
happen if he were really being hired to investigate the groping and
not the gropees.
It's all very clear. No
investigator is needed - it is absolutely the most - and there have
been many - absurd thing ever said by a politician (or person of any
sort for that matter.) Arnold knows what he did. If he's
calling an investigator in, it's to pry into the lives of the women
accusing him, so he can attack and try to destroy them.
He's not even inaugurated yet.
No, in just a short amount of time,
Arnold will stand before the people, put his hand on the bible, and
say, "Let the evil begin."
Holy living fuck, he's even worse than
anyone could have imagined. Hire an investigator? They
used to call it, back in your home country, a gestapo, Arnold - you
know, your father was one of them. I guess at least you're
making your father proud and your new country seem just like home.
But for Christ's sake, how can you be so
cruel as to be so self-satirizing it makes my job impossible to do?
You Botox-faced bastard!