APR 15 - 30, 2003

VOL. 1 ISSUE 1

 

The Idea of a “Moderate Independent” News Source

by

Thomas J. Bico, Editor-in-chief

 

We at The Moderate Independent have taken the mantle from Fox News in choosing to simply present the facts without the spin.  By removing our paper from all party affiliations, we are able to present clear, unbiased news – information without the agenda.  You know, just like Fox News.

At The Moderate Independent, we won’t be slanted in our reporting like all those other news sources – the, as we have been told, “liberal” press.  We did in-depth research into where all those other news sources go wrong, falling off the cliff of fairness, so as to avoid making the same mistakes in our role as vital media outlet.

Frankly, though, to be honest, we are a bit confused.  When we were told that the media was “liberal,” we expected to find a bunch of long-haired hippie-boy anchors, tie-die or hard rock t-shirts, nose-rings.  We figured when we found out who was behind this whole conspiracy we would find that Amnesty International, Greenpeace, and the Sierra Club owned and operated the TV and print media.

Oddly enough, all of the reporters and anchors had short, corporate haircuts and were wearing formal business attire.  Even more bizarre was the fact that most of the media turned out to be owned by rich right-wingers, like Rupert Murdoch, and massive, multi-national corporate conglomerates.  In fact, we had virtually no luck in finding a single major news source that was owned and operated by liberals.

“Liberals?” asked Sumner Redstone, CEO of CBS-owning Viacom.  “If you can find a liberal who’s in charge of anything over at our news bureau let me know and I’ll have him canned immediately.  This is about profit, boy, not pansy political agendas.”

Jeffrey R. Immelt, CEO and Chairman of the Board at NBC-owning General Electric, issued a similar sentiment.  “Sure we have some reporters and anchors who have Democrat leanings, but all the management, and the publishers and editors – you know, the ones who control what gets covered and from what angle – they’re just good ol’ boys like us.  Our job is to worry about the company bottom line, not the truth.”

“Listen,” Rupert Murdoch, owner of mega-giant NewsCorp., which runs Fox News, USA Today, The Fox Network, The New York Post, The Chicago Sun Times, and more media than anyone else on the face of the earth, told me, in a rare offering of advice, “I don’t usually advise the competition, but you have to realize, this is just a business.  You put money in, you try to take more money out than you spend.  You use whatever tools you can to do what you’re supposed to do – which is not to present news, but to make profit.  That’s what your investors gave you their money to do.

 He continued, “Now, news in particular gives you a great way to convince the people you’re getting the money from that it’s in their best interest to keep giving you as much as possible, and even to get them to think policies that put money in our pockets somehow are in their best interest as well.  I’m sure you’ve heard TV tell people they need to “spend to help the economy.”  That line was mine.  Pretty good, huh.  Oh, and how about, “If you give multi-billion dollar tax-cuts to companies, it’ll be best for you, because they’ll give you a job.”  We don’t ever mention that we end up with billions in our pockets, while all they really get, if they are lucky, is the right to slave away in some heinous office or factory for 40, 50 hours a week for a couple scraps of cash – see, we can leave that out, tell them they really want us to make more profit because it’s good for them, say they want to spend more and more and save less and less because it’s good for them as well.  You can say stuff like that when you own the news.”  He then wiped a bit of drool that had stretched down below his lip and was dangling from his chin.

So, as I was saying, we are avoiding to take on any of the bias of this “liberal” press.  With Fox News as our burning inspiration, we present you with, at last, just the facts.  No hype, no spin, no bias.  I hope you enjoy.

Editor’s note:  We actually had a hard time even finding female anchors and reporters with long hair.

 

MAIN PAGE

 

All Vol.1 Issue 1:

Editorial - The Idea Of A "Moderate Independent" News Source

Historical - The History Of The 1st Amendment

Media Watch - AM Radio Host Debate A Disaster.  Moderator Baffled About How To Proceed As All 4,293 Participants Give Answers To All Questions

World - Fashion Critics Doubt Lula's New Look For Real

Poll - Thoughts About The War

News:

Schwarzenegger: "I'll Make Bush Seem Like Mother Teresa"

Dick, Bush, And Colin - Fifth Graders, World-Leaders Laugh Hysterically At Leaders' Combined Name Humor

Carter Ecstatic, Finally Freed Of 'Worst President Ever' Label - Former Horrible President Thankful Bush's Reign Will Leave Him Just Some Sucky Ex-President

New "Independent" Beings Discovered - Oddly Unaffiliated Humans Said To Exist In Large Numbers

Bush Thanks Dad For Creating Osama, Saddam