Schwarzenegger: "I'll make Bush seem like Mother Teresa"
Poster Child for Violence in the Media Vows Reign of Terror and Idiocy Beyond What President Delivers
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA - Likely candidate for Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger, vowed today at a press conference to kill both those who vote for him and those who don't equally.
"I em unt outsider. I vill kill any person I feel like when I am Fuhror... I mean, Governor, of the Great State of Hollywood," said the action movie star.
His wife, of the all-powerful Kennedy/Shriver clan, agreed. "He made his name by killing, killing, killing, so if he's elected, he knows enough to stick with what got him there."
Asked what he would do if presented with the current sagging California economy, Schwarzenegger replied, "I vould morph into a naked robot man, unt then kill lots of the people in the ammediate area. Then I vould say cute phrases in Hispanish, like, "Hasta'll be back vista -- that will get me the darker skin vote, also."
The violent action superstar stated that he will bring a, "New moronity," to the office of Governor.
"New morality," wife Maria corrected.
"Yah, dat, too. The new morolity. I remomber my roots. Unt so all the children vill have to learn to kill with the sword, like Conan, before they get to take the class to learn the Uzi killing."
"He means he has a great plan for reforming the schools... the, uh, education system," clarified Shriver, dabbing a bit of sweat from her forehead.
"Look," said Arnold, his famous muscleman smile showing within a deep laugh, "she ist sweating. Dat means she ist not a robot. Maria, you are not da Terminator."
Appearing to roll her eyes, as if slightly disgusted, the wife of the frequent killer and relative of the frequently killed replied, "Yes, Arnold dear. I am not, da Terminator."
"Dat's right, you are my Terminatina." He then put one of his massive, trigger-happy arms around her and gave her kiss on the cheek, which she appeared to wipe off the second he looked back out to the press-filled room.
"Any more questions?" he asked, a big grin on his face.
A reporter pressed Schwarzenegger on the carpetbagger issue. "Exactly how long have you be a resident of California now? Isn't it true you don't really live here but just own a residence for the benefit of your movie career?"
Arnold replied furiously. "No! This ist not ze truth. I have had the plan for many years to occupy California. Ever since I first saw it I knew I vanted to occupy it. Unt now, I will begin the true occupation. And also the killing."
Pressed on his stances on environmental issues, Arnold said, "Don't vorry, I vill be sure to purify the state. Anything impure vill be cleansed from the state of California."
After that comment, no other reporter could manage to raise their hand.
"Vat are you, a bunch of sissy boys? Ask me something!" He then pulled out an apparent Uzi submachine gun that had been hidden under his suit jacket and aimed it at the reporters.
"Come on, ask me za more questions!" When no one spoke, Arnold open-fired on the stunned, and now wet-pantsed, group. Then he started laughing. "It was just unt joke - there are no bullets unt the uzi... today. But just vait until the election. I'll be back."
Arnold continued to laugh loudly, as everyone else, including his wife, snuck slowly and cautiously out the various exits of the room.
ARNOLD CAUGHT ON VIDEO! grabbing other women's asses, messing around obscenely with carrots, six years after he started dating Maria: READ THE STORY
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