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APR 15 - 30, 2003 |
VOL. 1 ISSUE 1 |
DICK, BUSH, AND COLIN
Fifth Graders, World-Leaders Laugh
Hysterically at Leaders' Combined Name Humor
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS - "I never thought it would really happen," said John Stevenson, a fifth-grade student from Our Lady of Faith school in Harwood Heights. "I mean, I was just joking."
"The nuns are unsure exactly how to handle current affairs class," said Sister Mary Catherine Brodsky. "The kids truly think we are making it up just to amuse them."
Bush. Dick. Colin. This year on campuses across the country they are more than just slang for unspeakable private parts -- they are our President, Vice President, and Secretary of State.
"Tim said 'dick' should be President, but I said, no, dude, 'bush' rules. He he he," offered Stevenson. "Then he said, 'Cool, dude, but who's gonna be your Secretary of State. I said, 'colon.' Then Sister Mary heard us and beat us each bloody with the back of her fist." He later added, "That sucked."
But it'll take a whole lot of Sister Mary's to bludgeon everyone who is claiming Dick, Bush, and Colin run the country these days.
"Now I can beat the crap out of a little kid or two," said the revered and respected nun, "but the whole planet? That is something only God almighty can do. Well, or me and Margaret Mary - we two can really kick some ass together."
"Dick," repeated Bobby, a classmate of John and Timmy. "Dick. Dick. Dick."
"All day it's like this," said Sr. Margaret Mary. "One kid repeats, 'Dick, Dick,' endlessly, another, 'Bush, Bush' and a third, 'Colin, Colin.' All day long, 'Colin.' You know, like the Budweiser frogs used to do. Boy do I miss the days of, 'Bud,' 'Weis,' and, 'Er.' Now it's all Dick and Bush. And Colin."
Asked for comment, White House spokesman Ari Fleischer replied, "Listen, the President is disturbed that his name and Vice President Cheney's are being misused for amoral ends like this. But he is confused by the Colin thing. He doesn't get how that's a part of the body. We tried to explain it's the technical term for ass, but he just doesn't seem to understand. Anyway, did I mention we killed lots of people this week? That should count for something."
When it was pointed out that each of the last four elected Republican tickets had at least one obscene name on it, Fleischer strongly denied it was part of a right-wing conspiracy to subliminally influence voters with subtly gonadal suggestion.
"No, absolutely untrue. Dick Nixon, well he was just Dick. That's who he was. And President Regan didn't choose Bush 41 because of his name's sexually enticing imagery. He chose him because George said if he didn't, he would have all his CIA buddies from when he ran the agency kick Ronnie's butt. And then he gave him a jelly bean."
Requesting clarification, a reporter asked, "When exactly did Bush 41 head the CIA?"
"Under Dick Nixon. Bush was the head under Dick," replied Fleischer, drawing guffawing laughter from the crowd of reporters. "What in the heck is so funny," asked Fleischer, "I'm serious. Dick gave Bush the head position."
Asked if Vice President Cheney would stay on the ticket for the next election, Fleischer stated clearly, "Dick intends to stay with Bush - and Bush is more than happy to have Dick. Bush also likes Colin, but Bush prefers Dick, and Dick is very happy to stick it out with Bush."
"However," Fleischer added, "in 2008 it may be another story. Dick has really expressed interest in having a go at it with Colin. And as of now, Colin seems pretty receptive."
All Vol.1 Issue 1:
Editorial - The Idea Of A "Moderate Independent" News Source
Historical - The History Of The 1st Amendment
World - Fashion Critics Doubt Lula's New Look For Real
News:
Schwarzenegger: "I'll Make Bush Seem Like Mother Teresa"
New "Independent" Beings Discovered - Oddly Unaffiliated Humans Said To Exist In Large Numbers
Bush Thanks Dad For Creating Osama, Saddam