Bush Admits He's Been Asking "Wrong Jesus" What He Would Do

MAY 1 - 15, 2003

VOL. 1 ISSUE 2

BUSH ADMITS HE'S BEEN ASKING “WRONG JESUS” WHAT HE WOULD DO

Says He’s Been Asking Jesus Chavez, A Coke Dealer Who Used To Be His Savior

DAYTON, OHIO – Standing before a packed auditorium at Wright Patterson Air Force Base, President George W. Bush made a startling admission today.

“Folks, I just want to come clean about something here. Remember how I promised back during the campaign to always ask, ‘What would Jesus do?’” the President asked of the crowd of uniformed servicemen and women. “Well, I sort of kept my word – I was asking a Jesus what he would do.”

“But,” he continued, growing a bit subdued, “to be honest, I was really calling my old coke connection, Jesus Antonio Chavez, who happens to share a name with the Jesus that is our lord and savior, and asking him what he would do.”

First Lady Laura Bush expressed her relief at the revelation.

"I have to admit," she said, "I was very confused for a while there. Georgie would come in and say, 'Jesus told me to get everyone to hate French people.' 'Jesus told me to hell with heating the globe beyond livability, worry about corporate profits.' And I would say, 'Georgie, are you sure that's something Jesus would do? I thought Jesus said not to hate and not to value money above other, more important things.' And he'd say, 'Oh yeah, sure - I just talked to Jesus about it.' I knew I should have been more specific - I learned that back during his coke and drinking days, the word games he likes to play. But I just gave him the benefit of the doubt this time. Now I know better - again."

The President laughed and explained himself further. “It may sound stupid,” said President Bush, “but that boy, Jesus Chavez, bailed me out so many times back in the day. Really, the savior Jesus is only a newcomer in my life. Jesus Chavez is old-school. He used to save my ass from crashing all the time. And you know, ties like that, it just ain’t right to give up on so easily.”

“If it wasn’t for Chavez, I never would have made it to class, never been able to get pumped up enough to fly those airplanes in the National Guard, and, more importantly, if I didn’t call him daily now, he would go public with stories about my old days. I have to do whatever he wants me to as President, or else he’ll have my balls on a string.”

Pressed by a reporter as to whether he would continue seeking the advice of his former connection rather than the Messiah, Bush offered, “Well, uh – let’s just say I’ll take advice from whichever Jesus will continue to tell me greed, killing, intolerance, and hate are the best values. You know, hate the French, kill the beige people – whether Muslim or Asian – viscously attack any dissenters, try to tear up wildlife preserves for the sake of a few million dollars. Whichever Jesus will continue to make these recommendations is the Jesus I will continue to listen to.”

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All Vol. 1 Issue 2:

Arts/Entertainment - Dixie Chicks treated With Southern Courtesy And Respect: "Those Death Threats Were So Charming. Southern Boys Really Know How To Treat A Lady."

Elections 2004 - The Moderate Independent Rates The Democratic Hopefuls Based On How Moderate And Independent They Are.

Poll - Talking About The War

World - Northrop, Occidental To Sponsor Shakira's Columbian Tour. "We're In The Neighborhood Bombing People Anyway," Says Northrop Employee

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Is President Bush Being Exploitative, Landing "Top Gun" Style? Does Moving Republican Convention in New York Closer To 9/11 Cross The Line?

Bush Admits He's Been Asking "Wrong Jesus" What He Would Do. Says He's Been Asking Jesus Chavez, A Coke Dealer Who Used To Be His Savior

Santorum, Lott Sent Back To "Two-Shouldered" School. Republican Leaders To Be Reinstructed About Pre-Biggoted Comment Shoulder Checks