NORTHROP, OCCIDENTAL TO SPONSOR SHAKIRA’S COLUMBIAN TOUR
“We’re In The Neighborhood Bombing People Anyway,” Says Northrop Employee
OUTSIDE CALI, COLUMBIA – Looking for a way to make meddling in Columbian affairs and killing locals more profitable, Northrop-Grumman and Occidental Petroleum have signed on as the official corporate sponsors for the Columbia leg of Shakira’s Tour of the Mongoose.
“Frankly,” said an employee of Occidental, who requested, at gunpoint, that we not print his name, “we were just looking for a way to get someone to share the gas costs for our bomb and missile carrying helicopter flights. It can really grow the expense side of things, flying around with just bombs but no passengers.”
Columbian President Andres Pastrana applauded the arrangement.
“Any way we can secure more money to be used for the killing of Columbians is a good deal to me,” said Pastrana. “This both helps the economy, and keeps American corporations firmly and directly involved in our civil war. What more could I ask for?”
Asked for comment, Northrop CEO Kent Kresa offered happily, “Usually we just get to make the stuff that does the killing. We feel so fortunate to have this opportunity now to directly participate in the killing ourselves, while, of course, padding our bottom line.”
Regarding the signing of Shakira, the Chief Executive said, “Sha who?”
Ray R. Irani, CEO of partnering firm Occidental Petroleum, told us, “I am not lying. It is not more killing for the sake of oil. It is about, um, drugs… I mean, paramilitary… I mean rebels… You know, bad guys.”
When we clarified that we were asking only about the recent sponsorship deal regarding Shakira’s Columbian tour, he replied, “I am not lying. This is not more killing for the sake of oil. It is about, um…”
A spokesperson for Shakira said, “Us, sign with Northrop or Occidental? What have you been smoking?” We told the spokesperson, who replied with a laugh, and said, “I figured. Now get your stupid ass out of my country before someone gives a neck-tie – free of charge.”
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All Vol.1 Issue 1: