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MAY 15, 2003 - WASHINGTON, DC For the first time in their political
careers, the team of President George W. Bush and advisor Karl Rove are at a
loss.
“When 9/11
hit, that was an easy one,” said Rove. “When the economy stayed bad after the
Afghanistan campaign, that was easy, too. In fact, I never imagined there could
be a situation that I wouldn’t know the perfect group to blame or bomb to shift
attention and make things seem better.”
They were
discussing global warming. Holed up, just the two men, in the Oval Office, they
stewed over and over all possibilities. At one point, the President took the
non-alcoholic beer bottle he was drinking from and almost smashed it to the
ground.
“Easy there,
Georgie,” reassured Rove, “you know we’ll come up with someone to kill that will
make it all better.”
White House Chief
of Staff Andrew Card concurred that global warming does present a unique
challenge to the standard “Blame and Lie” tactics Rove and Bush like to use.
“Where the problems
begin,” explained Card, “is that even if you shift people’s attention from
global warming by demonizing and killing an entire people for it, they’ll still
notice they’re hot as hell. And the horrible storms, droughts, floods and
famines will be pretty hard to trick them into overlooking as well.”
Furthering the
administration’s concern is that there are so many voices on record informing
them that a disaster will occur if they don’t take specific steps now.
While usually,
according to Rove, the dynamic Presidential duo can discount and misrepresent
the words of those who gave the warnings, “In this case,” he said, “we have not
just been warned by liberal interest groups or some Democrats, but by a
commission made up of the top scientists from all over the world who studied the
situation for ten years. For the campaign, it was easy to play slight-of-word
and simply say those scientists were wrong, that their science wasn’t sound.
People don’t know science, and so when we make that claim, it becomes simply our
word vs. the other guys.”
“But,” he admitted
in frustration, “when global warming reaches crisis proportions, a few word
games won’t snow the people over, so to speak; it’ll be too damn hot to snow
anything over. We’ll need to bomb something and bomb it good, something or
someone we can blame for the disaster that will irreversibly change life on the
planet as we know it. And right now, the only people we can come up with to
bomb are, well, all of our buddies that make up the right-wing of the Republican
Party.”
Andrew Card, though
usually tight-lipped, allowed an agreeing glimpse at their plan. “The only
option we’ll have is to turn and play victim, saying, ‘The right wing of the
Republican Party forced us to let this disaster happen. We are the victims.’
Then Rove says we would bomb the Republican National Committee Headquarters,
killing a few of our buddies in the process just to show we cleaned house, and
then claim we were ‘born again,’ so to speak. You know, we were victims of
forces too big for us, we repent and know we were wrong, and now we will fix it
all up by killing those evil Republican thugs.”
Asked for comment,
Republican National Committee Chairman Marc Racicot stood open-mouthed and
paralyzed with fear. “You’ve got to be kidding me,” he stammered. “This is
some sort of joke, right?”
Learning that it
wasn’t, he immediately began drafting his resignation letter, as well as an open
letter to the public repudiating his globe-scorching ways. “Better to get ahead
of the curve, especially when you’re dealing with Rove.” |
