AUSTIN, TEXAS - Texas House Speaker Tom Craddick admitted yesterday
that he had employed the resources of the Homeland Security Department to try
and locate President Bush’s morals.
“We had thought maybe they were onboard some plane that crashed out near the
Mexico border,” said the Republican leader. “I called my colleague up in
Washington, Senator DeLay, and asked him if he couldn’t shift the attention of
resources meant to protect us here in America from terrorist attacks for the
sake of locating the President’s moral code.”
Craddick said his concern over the loss of the Presidential morals had grown to a fervent peak when President Bush
ordered the Texas legislature to steal five U.S. Congressional seats from the
Democrats and give them to the Republicans by performing a never before done,
completely illegal and amoral second redistricting in two years.
“We have the majority in the Texas state House,” said U.S. Senator Tom DeLay
(R-Texas), “and a Republican governor. So President Bush said to Craddick, ‘Why don’t
we just break all laws and breach all ethics by stealing five Congressional
seats away from the candidates the people voted for?’”
Use of the resources of a federal agency meant to defend the nation against
terrorist threats was not improper, says Craddick.
“I have been watching President Bush lie without conscience for many years now.
No lie is too big or too frequently told for him. But he talked about Jesus a
lot, so I figured the man couldn’t be all bad.”
But recent events changed the Texas Republican’s mind.
“All within the span of a few days, he labeled his plan to let industry tear up
the forests the ‘Healthy Forests’ initiative, called his tax cut that sucks
money out of the economy a ‘Jobs and Growth’ package, and then gave the order to
steal Congressional seats by drawing up districts here in Texas that even Picasso would think are
bizarrely-shaped. And I just thought, ‘No, now the boy’s morals have
completely flown the
belfry. And so I had Homeland Security put out the 911 APB, seeing if they
couldn’t find his morals flying around out there somewhere before it was too
late for all of us.”
DeLay's spokesman Stuart Roy said he agreed with Craddick’s use of federal
“The federal government is at his – or any Texas Republican's – disposal. We are
the only star on the flag of the Lone Star state, and soon President Bush will
change the American flag so it only has one, too, and change our name to the
United State of Texas. I mean hell, our people and companies own and operate
the country at this point anyway – and you don’t really think we’re gonna let
that change anytime soon, now do ya?”
Asked why the President would force a second redistricting just two years after
the standard once-every-ten-year reorganization, tied to the census, that has
been standard since our country was run by George Washington, spokesman Ari
Fleischer answered plainly.
“He is not trying to steal seats. It is not two years. In fact, he is not the
President. My name is not Ari. The sun does not exist. And, in
fact, the world is flat.””