June 10, 2003 – Sacramento, CA – Sick of having to win actual elections
to gain seats, Republicans have decided to do away with the annoying process of
having to garner votes, replacing it with a mix of recalls, redistrictings, and
whining ceaselessly until people simply decide to give them the offices they
Texas Republican leader Tom Craddick, who orchestrated the redistricting
movement – aimed at taking five seats from Democrats and handing them to
Republicans – that caused Texas Democrats to flee the state, said he is happy to
be a part of this new movement.
“If you hold elections, anybody can show up and choose the winners. It doesn’t
matter if they’re good Christian citizens, or even if they were born white and
in Texas. Can you imagine?”
In California, Republicans refuse to accept their defeat in the recent
Gubernatorial election. A mere couple of months after voters told them to take
their candidate and stuff it, they are determined to buy the winner, Democratic
Governor Grey Davis, out of office and replace him with either the previously
rejected Bill Simon or prominent philanderer Arnold Schwarzenegger.
“You wouldn’t let just anybody choose someone to take care of your house, would
you?” asked State Rep. Darrell Issa, a multi-millionaire who is trying to buy
his way out of the State Assembly into the Governorship. “So why would you let
a whole mix of riff-raff voters decide who gets to take care of your state?
That should be left to us moneyed, democracy-hating conservative folk.”
Issa citied the “excessively tedious” period of four years between elections as
getting in the way of his political ambitions.
Other Republican activists have their own favorite candidates they’d like to
“Schwarzenegger,” said George Gorton, Republican political advisor to the
philandering poster-child for violence in the media. “Arnold would be the
perfect puppet – parroting whatever lines he is fed, without regard for – or
knowledge of – reality or what is right or wrong. We love people like that.”
(see Schwarzenegger: I’ll Make Bush Seem Like Mother
Teresa for more info on candidate Schwarzenegger)
Feeling that with all of the money consolidated in their hands they can buy
anything they choose, this Republican anti-election movement is gaining
momentum, according to Senator Tom Delay (R-Texas).
“It started after the last presidential election,” said Delay. “We got the
result we wanted – Bush in office – but it took so much work and time. So we
wanted to come up with ways to simply choose the people we want for the offices
we want and stick them in there.”
Those seats they can’t actually create through recalls or redistricting they
plan to take over through excessive whining.
“The media machine is in place,” said Clearchannel Communications Chairman and
CEO Lowry Mays, who owns the radio airwaves that over 4,000 right-wing talk-show
hosts use. “If the people are stubborn enough, despite our 24-hour a day
anti-Democrat propaganda, to vote some Democrats into office, we will whine,
sneer, and assail them. Combined with the constant hostile, school-yard level
drubbing they will take from our right-wing buddies on FOX News, MSNBC, and USA
Today, the people will fear keeping these few Democrats in place.”