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August 6, 2003 - Americans accidentally started hating
Americans today. This new anti-American
feeling in America has led Americans to boycott hamburgers, hotdogs,
apple pie, and baseball games.
“Apple pie?” sneered Al
Redland of Oak Park, Illinois. “Uh-uh. From now on, it’s ‘freedom
pie.’”
Susan Reynolds, of
Centerville, Ohio, expressed a similar sentiment. “You won’t catch
me driving one of those cars made by those Americans through the
streets of my home here in the heartland of America – no, sir.”
The sentiment is
wide-spread, and apparently shared by the majority of the nation.
“Those burger-eating
exploitation monkeys,” quipped talk-show host Rush Limbaugh on his
daily radio show.
Secretary of Defense Donald
Rumsfeld mocked the nation’s history, saying at a press conference
that the Americans were part of an evil “Axis of Cholesterol.” He
then punched a reporter for no apparent reason.
How this all began no one
is really sure.
Jeanie Thomas of Oklahoma
City, Oklahoma ventured her guess. “Maybe Americans did something
bad to us?”
Stewart Lipewsky, of
Tallahassee Florida suggested, “I bet those no good little pig-skin
throwers said something about us Americans. It figures.”
One American, Mary Liden,
of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, admitted her confusion. “It is so hard to
keep up with who we're supposed to hate these days. The Chinese,
‘cause they’re communists, the French, because they fry potatoes,
the Koreans, because they don’t open their eyes all the way,
Muslims, the Germans, Europe in general, Russia, are we supposed to
hate India? It’s so hard to keep up with it all.”
She went on to wonder if
some mental clerical error had led Americans to start hating
Americans. “I mean, it’s a lot to keep straight in one’s head.
Maybe we threw an extra nation or two in there accidentally. Do you
know if those horrible Brittany Spears-creating Americans really are
supposed to be on our hate list? Who do I call to check this out
with?”
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