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AUGUST 24, 2003 -
We've all heard the term "Alpha
Male," used ad nauseum at this point. Throughout the last
election cycle, we heard how Al Gore had hired someone to make him
seem more of an "Alpha Male." In our daily lives, we hear the
people who talk over others, act without thinking deeply, and
embrace things like cars that pollute a lot and war referred to as,
"Alpha Males."
The phrase is supposed to draw from anthropological research in
which a certain ape within a group was found to be the dominant
male, and, for scientific purposes, was labeled the Alpha Male.
This is nice, useful, and accurate if we are anthropologists who are
talking about apes.
However, unfortunately for those who would like to use this phrase
in relation to people, humans are not apes.
For apes, intelligent discourse consists of, "Oooo ooo oo, aaaa
aaaah aaaa aaa." Apes tend to spend less time in school
educating themselves than would be desirable for us humans.
The Alpha Male ape form of government is an exclamation of, "Ooo ooo
ooo, aaa aaa aaaah," followed by a comical bout of chasing
one of his friends around, before the grand finale of standing on a
rock, fondling his own private parts without shame.
Alpha Males are perfect for
making such decisions as whether to throw poop at a man watching
them with a camera or to jump and swing from a tree while screaming,
"Ooo ooo oooo, aaa aaaah aaa aaa." They are not so good at
determining whether a Maximum Contaminant Level Goal of 7 million
fibers of asbestos per liter of drinking water is an adequate
protection, too high a concentration, or unduly, needlessly low.
Alpha Males are wonderful for
jumping on a friend's head and pounding his skull without cause or
useful reason, entertaining people who paid several dollars to watch
them in their cages. They are not so good at contemplating how
sending $400 million dollars to one side of a civil war in Columbia
to kill the other side can breed anti-Americanism and terrorism.
The greatest achievements of
Alpha Males to date consist of having gotten to sleep with other
apes of their choice for a brief period until another ape took over
as Alpha Male, having gained the respect and deference of an entire
six other apes, and having masturbated while standing atop the same
rock over 100 times. The greatest achievements of humans
include having walked on the moon and the invention of an artificial
heart.
You see, being the best leader
- if you can imagine - is somewhat different when you are talking
about ape societies or human societies. And while big-mouthed,
uneducated, overly aggressive masturbators without doubt are the
dominant force in ape life, ape business, and ape politics, it
doesn't necessarily work that way with us people. Because in
the end the reality is, that if you gave a monkey a brain, he'd
probably throw it to the ground and squawk, "Ooo ooo ooo, aaa aah
aaa aaa," at the top of his lungs, and then masturbate publicly.
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