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AUGUST 19, 2003 -
Texas takes pride in being the lone star state. It likes to
think it is so unique, has its own flag.
Well, what if Texas had been castoff, like a less hospitable Mexico,
to stand on its own - and the United States didn't have to bear the
burden of this state where everything bad in our country seems to
stem from.
So let's take a look and see
what we would be missing if Texas took its sorry ass and declared
its independence (or, more accurately, our independence from them):
The Alamo - I don't
know which we would miss less, A) the ridiculous, embarrassing story
of how a few hundred Mexican soldiers blew a whole bunch of Texans -
unfortunately, also considered Americans - away, in a futile,
useless fight over some scorching, unfertile patch of desert dirt,
or B) the most boring, disappointing tourist site in the entire
U.S., if not the world.
JFK's Assasination -
JFK would still be alive if this stupid state was considered the
foreign, third-world entity that it is.
The Vietnam War - Yes,
after these Texans killed JFK, they gave us LBJ, who, wonderful
Texan that he was, launched us full steam into the Vietnam War.
David Koresh - How
nice of them to invite our Justice Department people to their Texas
style barbecue.
George W. Bush - He
could have been a foreigner, people - right at home as the Dictator
of his own Banana Republic.
Enron - The company
that helped trash California's economy and set off a wave of
corporate scandals that took 401K's already suffering from the
President's lack of economic leadership and finished them off, Texas
style.
Ok, let's be fair and talk
about the good things that have come from Texas that make it worth
putting up with the humiliation of The Alamo, JFK's assassination,
the tens of thousands of inexcusable, unnecessary American deaths
resulting from the Vietnam War, and the current idiot-in-chief, who
is doing his best to create a cross between his own Vietnam and an
endless Cold War.
What makes Texas worth us
having to endure all of this:
Professional Cheerleaders
- Started by the Dallas Cowboys. Nice, but a few jiggly
tits don't quite make up for Vietnam in some people's minds.
A Place To Launch Rockets
From - "Um, Houston, we have other places we can use, over."
The Sixth Floor Book
Depository Museum - Excellent spot to relive American history,
but having avoided the whole damned assassination might have been
better.
Lots Of Oil -
Actually, just enough oil to make some incompetent, power-hungry
idiots, who are named after things like shrubs, really rich, before
these morons depleted the reserves and started crawling the globe
like addicts in search of another similar fix.
Anna Nicole Smith -
Like Texas itself, seems appealing and exciting at first, but in the
end you realize it's just too damn big and completely useless.
Southwest Airlines -
Thank God, they created a cheap way to get the hell out of that
hateful heat trap.
The War On Terror -
You see, this was a trick - I put this in here because the Texans
who are reading this will actually think it's a good thing, while
the rest of us realize it's actually a horribly state of being
brought upon us by the asinine policies of yet another wonderful
Texan, George H. W. Bush.
So, in the end, we must
wonder, just as we used to have debates and a process for welcoming
new states into the Union, shouldn't we maybe come up with a way to
get a single problem child that keeps disturbing class and ruining
life for the other kids kicked out of school? Or, more
accurately, shouldn't we get a movement going to kiss this sorry
ass, endlessly problem-causing sand trap the hell out of our fine
country?
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