NOV 01 - 15, 2004

VOL. 2 ISSUE 21

NOVEMBER 5, 2004 – Gay marriage is evil.  I never swear.  I go to Church every Sunday and never think about sex except with the lights out with my wife in missionary misery.

Ok, I gave becoming an religious fundamentalist for the sake of political expediency a shot.  But frankly, I think a different agenda would sell much better – heck, its one the nation has been buying up in droves for decades.  And besides, it’s a heck of a lot more fun.

1^st act, require all beaches to be nude beaches.

Let the Red Staters be miserable and wear full body cloaks to swim.  I want nothing but shiny, naked tanning American booty beside me.

2^nd act, require beer taps in the workplace.

They can cry about demon alcohol all they want, and sit there and drink their stale coffee with their chunked up powder creamer.  They can claim they are better people than me.  But I won’t really care because I’ll be knockin' back a Sammy and looking at the screen saver of the hot babe in negligee I made legal – required, actually – with my 3^rd act in office.

Screw what they say about how it will affect the “economy,” I will mandate 3 months a year of vacation for everyone.  The GDP never did me any damned good anyway – just ask my credit card company.

5^th, I’d make the punishment for making a racist joke a baseball bat to the head by someone of that race.  Yeah, not exactly in line with habeas corpus, but might change a few bigoted fools into habeas corpses.

6^th, I’d require schools to teach that Jesus was just some guy looking for an excuse to fundraise, change the Pledge of Allegiance to say, “One nation, that realizes God gets annoyed when people invoke his name too much,” and have science classes teach that Creationism is something made up for people too stupid to handle facts.

7^th, I would unify Church and State.

Yes, you read right.  I would give the Christian Right what they think they want and say, “We are now officially a Christian nation.”  Then I would let them experience what it is like when the government is in control of religion by making them all worship at a church that is of a denomination they despise:  Lutherans must go to a Southern Baptist Church, Baptists to an Episcopal, 7^th Day Adventists have to attend the Reverend Sun Yung Moon’s services, and Evangelicals of various denominations would be forced to become orthodox Jewish.

Hey, they are smart enough not to trust the government with their money but not smart enough to not trust the government with their religion, so let them enjoy their wish come true.

I would require the Ten Commandments to be posted in every government office and school.

…except the Ten Commandments would be, “Thou shall not wear belly shirts unless you have the body for it; thou shall fall asleep in class if the teacher is too boring; thou shall mock athletes who think God has nothing better to do than make sure they get a base hit…” and others I’ll figure out later.  If people violate any of these, I will require them to say ten Hail Secularisms, which would be a recitation of the ten greatest crimes committed by the Church against humanity, such as the Crusades, selling permission to commit crimes, punishing people for saying the Earth revolves around the Sun,” and others, to be determined by one of the numerous really pissed off adults who were molested by their priests as children.

7^th, or 8^th, or 10^th or whatever it is at this point, I would make catholic school outfits for girls be really unflattering pants instead of those famous skirts.  This would take away the rebellious release these girls get from rolling up their skirts to taunt the boys, eliminating the one thing that makes being forced to go to a religious school tolerable, and so they would make their parents' lives miserable until they sent them to a secular public school.

And last but not least, I would require nudity in billboard ads.  No more barely-dressed models taunting our puritanical sexual repression.  Tits out, or off the board.  In Red States, billboards with pictures of hot, mostly nude gay men will be required to be hung atop every City Hall.

Oh, and, just to add to my base, all supermodels would be required to give ten random Americans free lap dances each week.

Ok, one more:  everyone who supports the war in Iraq will be required to sign up and go serve for 5 years, regardless of age or ability – or wealth.  And everyone who likes having assault rifles legal will be given one and sent to Fallujah to use it – without proper armor, of course.

So there.  Sorry if I didn’t take the supposed message of the election and run to the right, but it just seems lot more fun to have a nation of vacation, beer, and naked booty.  Some people have told me my agenda might have a hard time in the Red States.  But I don’t know – Hollywood movies seem to sell pretty darn well, even in the backwoods of Alabama.