DEC 15 - 31, 2004

VOL. 2 ISSUE 24

DECEMBER 28, 2004 – There are things people don’t admit in public.

I have known a number of women in my time who, at one point or another, have had abortions.  These women – the ones from my experience – were pro-choice, as it is called, before these experiences, and they are even more fiercely pro-choice after.

But to accept only that part of the picture misses a major reality and degrades any discussion about abortion to the level of trite, partisan nonsense.

Just as I have never met a woman who had an abortion and suddenly become anti-abortion, I have never met a woman who had an abortion with whom the experience didn’t linger in the way a miscarriage does.  The most unflinchingly pro-choice of women, in fact, live the rest of their lives with a sadness, with a sense that their logic which told them abortion is just the removal of a non-human fetus and so no big deal missed the mark.

The non-human fetus they are “glad” they discarded didn’t disappear after the physician threw it away.  In fact, the fetus lingers in the minds and consciences of these women as the image of a child who could have been, of a very human life extinguished during the course of an experience that none label casual, all I have known label major in their lives.

On the other side of things, I have known men who stand boldly with the “abortion is murder” side who not only have chosen to have a baby of theirs aborted by their female partners, but who truly experience the event in the casual light they warn the other side sees it in.  In one particular instance, I know of an anti-abortionist allied man who not only had a girlfriend with whom he shared the decision to abort an unwanted baby with, but  who was so truly unmoved by the event that upon arriving home from the abortion, he suggested they have sex right then and there.

The deeper reality to the abortion issue, beyond the marketing-label battle of “pro-choice,” “pro-life, “anti-abortion,” etc. is that for women on both sides, it is a pro-life issue, and people on both sides grandstand against what they actually feel and believe.

Notice I said for women on both sides it is a pro-life issue.  The reality with abortion is that this is two issues, one for women and one for men.

For women who support legalized abortion, the issue isn’t choice, the issue is survival.

These women see banning abortion as killing innocent women.  For ones like the women mentioned above who had abortions, banning abortion would have left them desperate, cornered, and, from their perspective, in danger.  Sometimes the danger comes from the male involved, sometimes from family members, sometimes it may be imagined, sometimes the danger lies in the possibility of suicide.  The point of choice to these women is not about frivolousness, it is about saving the lives of other women who, whether they truly have other options or not, would end up dead or badly maimed if abortion were to be outlawed.

For women who are anti-abortion, they may be driven by religious preachings or beliefs,  but the part of their story that gets left out of usual discussions is the part of their position that comes from a deep-felt wisdom.  These women know, either by experience or just by sense, what it means to abort a fetus.  The sadness, the longing, and the trauma they are aware of, and they feel that these things, combined perhaps with what religion tells them, makes it clear that abortion is wrong.  If it wasn’t, then why would it feel so bad and linger so hauntingly?

This is the real debate about abortion.

It carries over to men as well.  And the odd reality is that while pro-choice women are more torn than anti-abortion women, pro-choice men are usually more secure in their positions than their anti-abortion counterparts.

For pro-choice men, the issue tends to be the lives of women.  They don’t claim to understand or begin to comprehend how a mere fetus, a multi-celled, non-sustainable organism could mean so much to a woman any more than they ever truly understand the loss to a woman associated with a miscarriage.  But what they do understand is how much they love their daughters, how much they love the women in their lives, and they stand boldly in defense of them.  Whether or not they think abortions are the best choice, they know that for some girls and women it will come down to safe, legal abortion or butchering or death.  They know this issue is deeper than them.  They put their trust in both women and reality, letting facts and compassion guide their stand in defense of the fairer sex.

Brothers to these pro-choicers are the first group of anti-abortioners.  They put their trust in God and the women who tell them that abortion is something more than just cleaning out a couple of cells, and they take their bold and compassionate stands in defense of the most helpless among us, babies-to-be.

So far, everything that has been discussed deals with this as a ‘woman’s issue,’ as it has often been framed.  But certain issues make this a distinctly male issue as well.

Simple reality:  some women do their best to try to trap men into marriage by pretending they are on birth control or tampering with birth control.  Another reality:  men can feel just as threatened and suicidal, just as trapped and frightened by unwanted pregnancies.

Yes, men are just supposed to “do the right thing” and “take responsibility.”  But these men know that there are simply boys and men who, for whatever reasons, won’t be able to.  Many men can easily picture themselves in this situation, trapped for life, frightened to death of their parents, desperate for one of a number of reasons.

Yes, maybe they were irresponsible, shouldn’t have been having pre-marital sex or whatever the charges are, but they know the reality is that they did and young men do – and will continue to every day.  And yes, maybe if they do something wrong they should be punished, but circumstances and pressures actually exist, just as the feelings of loss exist among women who have had abortions; and these feelings in these men are just as real and important.

These are the people that truly stir the ire of the anti-abortion side.  These are the ones who are painted as seeing abortion just as a choice, an option to keep open, an escape hatch without any serious, long-term consequences and little to no moral dilemma.  Yet in my experience I have never once encountered a man who saw abortion in this manner.  The idea of spending hundreds or thousands of dollars and risking a lifetime with a woman and/or child they didn’t want over using some other cheaper form of birth control is not legitimate.

One the other side of things, the second group of anti-abortion males are exactly the counterpart to this group.  They stand against abortion in words, kind of feel the principle, accept the preaching, accept the deeply held feelings about abortion the women in their lives tell them about.

But within this group are a number of men who only rail against abortion in the same hypocritical manner they rail against pre-marital sex.  It is a great idea, the right moral stand, and something they didn’t abide by themselves, and that they realistically know an extremely low number of humans on the planet actually do.  When push comes to shove, they are glad abortion is still safe and legal, just as they are glad they can get away with some pre-marital sexual escapades.

These are the people that the pro-choice side caricatures, the mean men who they claim are trying to step into a ‘woman’s’ issue they have no business sticking their noses into.

So the debate we usually hear about abortion is really just a game of both sides using a small, unrepresentative group from the other side to degrade what is an entirely valid, important, and extremely difficult issue into a simplistic, “Us good, them bad,” line of attack.

The reality is that pro-choicers really understand how horrible abortion is and that it is far more than just discarding some unwanted cells, and that anti-abortioners love their children, and if it came down to it, might just opt for protecting their daughter from suicide or butcherous death over protecting an unborn fetus.

It is a tough issue, and not one that is easily resolvable. But it is one that deserves better than the lies being put out by both sides accusing each other of being heartless murderers and using just a small, unrepresentative fringe from the other side to represent the whole group.

Personally, I don’t stand on behalf of a woman’s right to choose, I stand in defense of the lives of the innocent.  I am firmly pro-life.

Don’t let those statements lead you to think you know where I stand, though.  After reading this article, you realize that what I have just told you tells you nothing about whether I am "pro-choice” or “anti-abortion” as the terms are used.  I could make the same claims and be on either side of this issue.