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March 26, 2006 – As the 2006 elections approach, a saddened
Republican Party is facing the realization that their basic
principles of lie and destroy no longer have any remaining targets.
And so, they are lost as to what to focus on in the upcoming cycle.
"We've trashed the economy - for
generations to come," mused Republican National Committee Chairman,
Ken Mehlman. "We wrecked our stature in the world, our
alliances, our domestic environment, and now, the entire planet,
thanks to our lying and refusing to take action with regard to
Global Warming. Pretty much everything that can be destroyed
is destroyed. So what is there left to accomplish?"
Chief White House advisor Karl Rove
concurred.
"We've all broken the law and had our
party not hold us accountable, so the Constitution and American
system of government is basically trashed; our military reputation
is shot, we couldn't have gotten the nation into more financial debt
if we had wanted to. Yet still, I bet I could come up with
some more damage to do to our nation, but the GW thing - that's sort
of an inside joke, that we're calling Global Warming 'GW' brought to
you by GW, as in George W. Funny, huh? Anyway, the whole
GW brought to you by GW thing, when you've destroyed the entire
planet and have hundreds of thousands or millions of deaths pending
in the cue, what can you do to top that?"
Some Republicans are counting on
attacking immigrants as one of the few hopes for creating further
destruction.
"When you see the Ukrainians vote to
move closer back toward Moscow and away from the West," said
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, "you know we've managed to
wreck our victory in the Cold War through our hatred-creating
actions in Iraq and elsewhere. You know we've wrecked our
standing as world leader. I just told the President, ain't
nothin' more to ruin foreign policy-wise."
And so the Republican-led Congress held
closed door meetings until they found one last unsinged branch in
the burning bush that is Bush America, and they set out immediately
to set it ablaze.
"If we really were to immediately throw
all illegal immigrants out of our country," said Mehlman, "we'd be
left with the realization that their illegal services are an
integral part of our ability to function. And that would wreck
the sole remaining undestroyed thing in the nation - the lawns of
rich Republicans. Without them wetback... I mean, Mexican... I
mean those horrible, horrible illegal alien gardeners who threaten
our national security, those pristine GOP lawns in our gated
communities will go untended. And our houses undusted, without
those Spanish-speaking cleaning wonders."
Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist
(Ass-TN) admitted he reluctantly agreed with the plan to focus of
immigrants.
"I'm a practical man," said Frist.
"Schools, the air, the Constitution, the planet. We got 'em
all. What else is left to go after but Republican lawns and
glass figurine polishing?"
Asked if he thought the GOP might
actually decide to change some of their policies and, perhaps, work
to reverse some of the damage they have done, Mehlman looked
confused.
"Well, but how could we push everyone
toward religion if they're not poor, desperate and terrified?
Religious rolls were declining until we came and brought fear and
ruin. A good potential Apocalypse can only help things out.
There are no atheists in a FOX hole."
Mehlman added, "And to think, if we
hadn't gotten America to hate liberals and everything they stood
for, the nation would have started moving off oil three decades ago
and likely been on green energy now, free of fear of Global Warming,
Middle Eastern politics, and Texas millionaires. Thank God for
Limbaugh and FOX News."
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