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August 13, 2008
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"It was just getting too painful," said
one top network news exec.
"Embarrassing is more the word for it,"
said another from a competing company.
In a mass mea culpa and act of admission
and surrender, The News today admitted it neither has or has ever
had even basic ability to analyze the information it provides.
During a 'News-Not-Analysis Conference'
today, CBS-owning Viacom's Les Moonves said, "Claiming that because
we report the news it follows that we have some competence in
analyzing things is like a lab claiming because they can measure
what is in your blood they are qualified to play doctor and tell you
what to do next. It is like the accountant claiming because
they gather and report numbers, that also makes them the expert in
how to run the company. It is like the tire gauge claiming it
knows how to repair the car."
A top exec from Disney (which owns ABC)
who asked to remain nameless concurred.
"We draw friggin' rats. That's our
gig. What the f*@! are we doing pretending we can predict the
economy or would know an "expert" guest-analysis from a big cartoon
dog with droopy ears?"
Asked for comment, NBC, which also
operates the mostly analysis network MSNBC, issued a statement
saying, "We're owned by a light bulb company. You do the
math."
Even celebrities, whose labels are owned
by some of the same companies that attempt to use their news outlets
to provide analysis, weighed in. Singer Beyonce was quoted as
saying, "I may be on TV, but I don't pretend I can give Mid-East
commentary - I just stick to Mid-Waist movin' and grovin'."
Nonetheless, Newsweek is running an
article this week titled, "What
Bush Got Right." The idea is to provide, you guessed it,
"expert" analysis of the Bush administration, how much it got wrong,
and what they claim it got right. Yes, Newsweek, which
reported nothing but economic recovery as the mortgage mess
obviously loomed right before their eyes for years; which was
blindsided by the oil price spike; which has gotten the better part
of nothing right about the The Iraq War, before, during, or
currently; which reported with the rest that this election was to be
Hillary Clinton vs. Rudy Guiliani.
"If they looked in the mirror - or at
the title of their magazine - they would notice they are named
"Newsweek," not "Analysisweek," said former
ABC-pointless-cash-burden Sam Donaldson, who was helping fellow
newly unemployed non-expert George Will pack up his office.
Asked what would fill up the 2/3 of
"news" time that was really this mock analysis, Moonves said, "It's
gonna be 10 minutes of news reporting, followed by 20 minutes of
footage of dancing monkeys."
When pressed to clarify, Moonves
replied, "People like looking at monkeys. They're
entertaining. In fact, that's essentially what we've been
doing, airing 10 minutes of news, 20 minutes of talking monkeys.
I figure showing actual monkeys, and having them dance, can't be
less interesting than imitation monkeys sitting on their butts
saying nothing useful."
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