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December 23, 2007–
To them, Jimmy Carter was a wise choice. After all, he was a farmer
like them. A man of the earth.
The fact that the man who went on to be
the worst non-George-W.-Bush president in America's history had no
economic ability whatsoever and was a pushover bitch when it came to
managing foreign affairs wasn't a problem. In fact, it wasn't
even a consideration.
"Don't bother me with all that fancy
city money talk. Them world affairses is things stupid Jews in
New York and the state of Los Angeles whine about on their fancy
plasmorphagic TV flat TV TV's," said Carl Johansen, a corn farmer
from just outside Des Moines.
Each election cycle, the powerhouse
cities and states of the nation sit on the sidelines, deferring to
the choices of this Mid-Western mix of farmers and religious
zealots.
Take for example Iowan Martha Henton.
Asked if she really thought Mike Huckabee's 27% national sales tax
was a good idea, she replied, "That's the problem with you... you...
question-askerer people. You ask the wrong questions.
It's not about numbers, it's about fairness. And Mike Huckabee
is an extremist religious zealot - a Southern Baptist preacher
actually. So when he says it's fair, Jesus be born again it
must be fair. That's what I liked about that nice Jimmual
Carter - he was also Southern Baptist, and that's why I liked that
there Ronaldan Reagansten - nice and extreme on the religion side,
and that's why Huckabear will get my votes."
On top of being full of people with lots
of farm knowledge and religious zealotry, Iowa is also seen as the
perfect state to pick our presidential candidates because it allows
people to vote across party lines.
"Ya sees," said Matha's husband Tom, "I
can them there go vote for a stupid person for that other there
party, and ruin their choice for president. See?"
Asked if he didn't think it mattered
what approach a candidate would take in working with entities such
as the World Bank, Mr. Henton replied, "Now don't go talking about
ghosts and ghouls. Entities. I never liked that movie.
And as for that bank - World Bank is the one of the corner of 3rd
and Maple, right? - if you don't like your bank, an Iowan just
changes. Maybe to another one. Down the street.
See? We're independent."
So sit back and relax America. You
don't have to spend your time looking over the candidates or
worrying about how this or that policy will play out. Just let
the Iowans do the work for you. America has bestowed them the
choosers of our future leaders.
Or as our friend Carl Johansen put it,
"Heck, we don't spend time worrying about politics or researching
candidates much, why should you?"
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